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I had 2 miscarriages. I no longer mourn those losses, but I do wonder who those babies would’ve turned out to be.

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  • I had two miscarriages, one which happened when I wasn’t even aware I was pregnant yet. 
  • Within a year of my second loss, I was pregnant again and delivered a healthy boy.
  • I’ve wondered who those babies would’ve turned out to be, or how they would’ve change our family.

We did the math. If I got pregnant in July, our oldest son would be 2 years and 10 months old when our baby was born. That felt right. So, I got pregnant — never very difficult for me. I’m not even sure we had to be in the same room to conceive.

I’d had a scare a few months earlier when my period just wouldn’t end. My doctor said it was likely that I’d suffered a very early miscarriage. I had no idea I was pregnant. In fact, I’d been on the pill at the time, so never considered the possibility.

This time I knew for sure, and although we weren’t ready to tell family and friends, we felt that undercurrent of excitement that comes with anticipating the arrival of a child.

On my second visit to the obstetrician as he swiped the fetal monitor across my stomach, we heard the swooshing sound that mimics the ocean but no th-thump, th-thump of a heartbeat. I read nothing on his stoic face. Before he could say anything, a nurse pulled him out of the room to deliver another mother’s baby. His parting words to me were, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Let’s not get melodramatic and say time stood still, but it sure moved slowly until he returned. I sat alone in the waiting room feeling confused but not concerned. I really didn’t understand what was happening.

When he was back, he quickly told me he was pretty sure the baby was not viable. He hadn’t heard a heartbeat, but we needed to wait to let nature take its course. What I heard was maybe everything will be all right. Maybe it was too early to hear a heartbeat.

Shortly after I started having a miscarriage

It wasn’t. Two nights later I started cramping.

My husband, who’d been out that evening, returned home to find me doubled over on the floor. I don’t remember who came to watch our son, but I do remember in detail everything that happened at the hospital later that night. 

A nurse jabbed my hand several times because she couldn’t find the right spot to insert the IV and then yelled at me for moving when she hurt me.  An admittance attendant tried to ask me innumerable questions I couldn’t answer because I had jumped up and was sprinting to the bathroom to sop up a blood clot that was releasing. I caught it in a wad of

toilet paper
. Apparently that was an important thing to do. It might help determine why I lost the baby.

Then there was the operating room. I had a local anesthetic for the dilation and curettage because I’d eaten dinner that night. The OR was loud and bright and noisy. It felt like Grand Central Station with doctors and nurses walking around and talking to one another as if I wasn’t even there. But I was there, wide awake, with legs high up in stirrups, eliminating my child.

In the weeks that followed, my husband was solicitous and cloyingly attentive. I think he felt bad that he wasn’t home when I started to lose the baby. I was sad but hopeful. 

Within the year I was pregnant again and successfully delivered a boy followed two years later by another boy and several years after that by a fourth. We adopted a daughter, the only way to get a girl into our family. My miscarried babies are as much members of our family as their five living siblings.

I no longer mourn their loss, but I think of them often and wonder.

I wonder who they would’ve been and what our lives would’ve looked like with them. And then I ask the toughest question of all: If they’d lived would the sons and daughter I have raised still be here? 

Courtesy By INSIDER

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